the newest rock-n-roll journalist in the making

hey kiddies!

 

 

i have a favor to ask of y'all

could you pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee (with sugar on top) add my bestie renee? she just made a buzznet and she's new to the whole scene and needs more people to talk to than just me.. that would get boring as FUCK! so t'cha...

her screenname on this thing is twztdlvrxxlrm (she's mah number one friend) and she's pretty dern kick bootah, fer sureness. and t'cha. she loves icp (insane clown posse) and being a total dork. oh, and horses too. she loves horses! i'm still helping her work on her profile, so give us a bit and soon, it'll be kick bootah like mine. oh yes.

 

 

thanks you guys sooooo much!

 

loves-

khrysthene

so yeah... long time no journal and i'm sorry. things have been crazy... so this is going to be short

 

i just wanted to talk about friends. don't you know how much easier it is to deal with shit when you have your friends there by your side? lately, if i didn't have renee, i honestly don't know what kind of shape i'd be in right now. true, i won't really reveal much to her because i'm the kind of person that fears unloading their problems onto their friends, but just having her around makes me feel so much better. all this apartment drama, she's been right by my side, threatening to beat up anyone that talks negatively about me. yeah, i've only known her since february, but it feels like i've know her our entire lives.

she knows my past. everything with my dad to random shit.  know everything about her life as well. whether it's dealing with her real family out in memphis or her ex-boyfriends. (and if i ever see a certain ex-boyfriend of her's, i may get put in jail for man-slaughter, just a head's up)

just having someone around that you can tell anything to is just a relief...

 

do you guys have someone like that? someone you may not have known for long, but you know that you can tell anything to, without looking/sounding stupid?

do you have a picture of this person?

tell me about them and show me a picture. i want to see =)

 

 

ps:
- l. renee merriman, you are my hero! thank you for everything babes!
- dallas, my little sista, i loves you! and no, i'm not telling you why i was annoyed the other day =P
- lizzykins, you are amazing and hillarious... i still want yer damn hat! ha
- cali, i MISS YOU! write me sometime because you are the sweetest person in the history of forever
- ashley, you spiffy chica, you're amazing, no joke
- alicia, you're so nice, like seriously hun

so yeah kiddies!

 

guess who's back with internet and everything? if you guessed me, you would be absolutely correct! d you know how annoying buzznet mobile is? that's why i'm so glad to have internet again, though my charger doesn't work, so i'm stealing my roomie's charger because she loves me, yay <33

 

so yeah, nothing special today for a journal entry, i don't have much to say... things are still shite, but i know that y'all don't want to hear me complain. but i was wondering if there was any particular subject that you guys want me to cover in a blog. i'm wanting to write blogs that are about things. i'll even go all out and do research to make sure that everything i'll say is correct. it can be on anything that you can think of, so don't hold back!

 

much love!

-khrysthene

hey guys and gals! =)

sorry I haven't been on lately. I got back from going home and the kid who's router my laptop was picking up on either: a- turned it off or b- picked up on the fact that it was being used and wanted to say "fuck you" to us. that one seems to be more probable, knowing my luck in life.

so yeah, no laptop internet for me. thus me resorting to phone use. so if you need me, please, please, please message me...

now, on with the rest of the journal...

fyi: I fucking hate my life. I know I try not to show it, but that's because I've gone so long having to be the one that takes care of everyone around me, but that just makes me supress it all more.

I live with two of my best friends ever. I love these girls with all my heart and would do any fucking thing for them. I mean, I've paid over a thousand dollars for renee to have a place to live, most of it which I have to pay back to my mom. and amanda? I let her move in because she needed to get out of michigan. not just anyone would do that.

and how do I act?

like a fucking two year old!

they wanted me to have a bathing suit since mine is too small. I HATE clothes shopping because I know I'm not anything under a size 10, let alone a 16. I've come to realize this, but them? they can't! they didn't fucking believe me!

so here they go, grabbing small ass suits and I'm trying, for them, to get them on. my back is so burned right now that it felt like someone was taking a damn knife, sticking it in my back, and pulling it downward.

I finally got them to agree on this one that I tried on near the beginning of the escapade and my back was on fucking fire.

I didn't talk to them on the drive home and when we got home? I went to my room and cried. yeah, I fucking cried! I don't cry. I shouldn't cry. my problems are not bad enough for me to fucking cry, but I was in a lot of pain.

I ran outside to hide and renee comes to talk to me. I spill everything and I do mean every-fucking-thing. totally not the best idea cause I think she's mad at me for putting myself down, but I do have problems.

I'm sorry that along with my kick ass taste in music, I also got an avoidant personality disorder, clinical depression, obesity, and a piss-ass poor self image. it's not my fault! I try to fucking hide it all and pretend like everything is "a-okay", but it's not and it fucking kills me.

now, not only to have myself wallowing in my own annoyance, shame, humilliation, both renee and amanda are pissed at me.

what the fuck can I do to change? am I the only one that hides everything so as to not let others know how fucking weak I am?

I seriously need some help. the depressions starting to come out to play and it wants me to do some not good things...

fuck it all...

-khrysthene

god... i'm horrible!

so yeah... this posting a journal everyday thing? so not happening... not my fault though! i would have posted one last night, but my ten hour shift at work was horrible! so i get to work and we're swamped for three straight hours. i wanted to die. like seriously. and then at two, as soon as we start to slow down. the new girl comes in and guess who gets to train her on how to pack orders? me! though i'm over on register... that was hectic she's a nice kid, don't get me wrong, but blegh... and then! at the end of the night... i had put two cinnamon biscuits in the oven earlier and was going to get them out and the heat of the pan goes THROUGH the holder thingy and burns my finger super bad... almost blister bad! well, i had to go up front because i had a guest that needed their order taken. so i go up there and i'm holding my hand funny and they notice.

"what's the matter? are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm fine, just... burned my fingers pretty bad just now."

"really?! go take care of that! we're still trying to figure out what to order."

i go to the back to find my manager and she digs for the burn cream and i start to cry... i don't cry. it's just not like me to cry. i think it's rediculous... but that's just how i am. i put this stuff on and it helps a bit. i quickly cleared my tears though.

then... this dude comes in and calls my trainee a "hooch" and he was being serious. that bastard! i wanted to jump over the damn counter and beat his ass in the ground. you don't be a douche like that when you're being given free stuff since we have to mae your order completely fresh and it's going to take a few minutes. no! you just don't.

yeah... so that was my night last night. when i got home at a bit after nine, i made something to eat, watched a movie and tried to sleep, but my fingers were killing me all night long. they don't really hurt anymore... the skin is like hard though and it feels like i'm pulling the skin everytime i straighten them up all the way, but i have to work today, so whatever...

oh!

so you guys know, for those of you that don't...

i'm going home in the morning for a couple days. i should be back saturday, but yeah... i'll use my phone to get on and check things, but on mobile, it doesn't show you the notes... only messages and replies to things. so starting tomorrow, if you need to get a hold of me, message me or something until i come back. sorry, but yeah. mobile buzznet is strange and kind of annoying. when i get back though, i'll update you on the crazy shit that happens.

so peace easy homies and don't get into too much trouble without me for a couple days!

- khrysthene

sorry i didn't post anything yesterday. it was a mess, that's for sure. forgive me?

well, here's the post for today; enjoy!

don't you miss the easy days, back when we were all kids? nothing really ever seemed to matter except for what school yard team you were going to be on when you went to recess. and naps? you didn't want anything to do with them, except the days when you were sick of course (though you'd never admit to it back then).

how come, when we grow older, those simple pleasures we had as kids just seem to disappear?

after we hit those teenage years, we're always looking for the next and newest thing to keep our attention. whether it's what new website we can find online (or updating our myspace/facebook/buzznet/etc.. pages) or trying to make sure that we have enough money to be able to hang out with the gang. things change.

have you ever watched a kid play with bubbles? dear lord it's actually amazing! we know that bubbles are nothing but soap and water, but kids? i don't know what they think about them, but have you ever seen the amazement on their faces when you blow a bubble the size of your head? it's like it's christmas or something!

in our "adult" days, which pretty much start when you stop finding wonder in simple things, are filled with drama and stress. ain't it the truth. you have to figure out how to manage everything on your own. you have to get a job once you get a car so you can pay for the gas it takes to get you to the said job. and then... you move out on your own. you have to find an apartment/home/whatever you decide to live in. but not only do you have to pay down payment and the first month's rent, but you have to get the power turned into your name and the water and so on and so forth. it's damn near exhausting! and it kills your wallet. that's for sure

during the few moments that you actually get to sit back and breathe, you still don't have time to really relax. your mind suddenly goes into thinking about what next thing you have to pay for.

it's a hard way to live, especially when you barely have enough money for everything as is. living from pay check to pay check. i know, that's how i currently live because i don't have any help from my current roommate. it's stressful. i get uptight and i have tendencies where i bitch at those close to me. i don't want to be like this, but what other choice do i have?

it doesn't help matters any when thoughts from the past come creeping up. oh the stress it all adds to you.

sigh....

how do we take ourselves back to simplistic thinking and enjoyment? if anyone has an answer to this, please let me know. i would love to see things through a child's eyes at least once more. not only would it be nice, but it's needed.

screw life, ha ha.

- khrysthene

why do we think about the past? why do we tend to dwell on things that we know weren't good for us? shouldn't there be something that we can do to forget about things and people?

so, i don't know how many of you know about this, but last summer, i was practically engaged to this guy named phillip. i met him when i worked at disney and when he left, he went back to new york, leaving me at disney for an entire program. we kept in touch and finally, we both admitted to one another that we had feelings for the other.

i can honestly say that phillip was my first love. we would talk on the phone all night, till six or seven in the morning about any and everything. times we would go silent, he called them "moments in heaven". i know it's ridiculous and everything, but it was cute and sweet. he wrote me songs and played them on the guitar. he would also learn my favorite ronnie day songs and spend the whole day learning how to play them so he could play and sing them for meon the phone that night.

god i thought i was seriously in love. you have no idea.

in may, we started talking about him coming down to georgia to visit me, just for a couple days. within a couple weeks, this "visit" turned into him moving down here. he would share my room with me, but sleep on the couch, or so my mom said, though we all knew he'd be sharing my bed with me. (don't think nasty kids! just the pg shit, i promise!)

he was going to be making it down the day that we were going to be having a cook-out in june. you do not know how excited i was. i mean seriously. we had already talked about possibly getting married. he told me that he had spent over a thousand dollars to buy me an engagement ring. i wanted to shoot him for spending so much. he had been planning on asking me officially once he got here and could put the ring on my finger.

he called me one night saying that he had packed things up and he was going to leave, though he had been doing yardwork all day. i was nervous because i didn't want him to fall asleep while driving. i would never have been able to forgive myself had something happened to him. i talked to him on the phone all night while he was "driving" until he told me to go to sleep. he could tell i had been getting tired. so i did as i was told.

i called him the next morning when i woke up. he told me that he was in north georgia, about three hours away from me, but he was really tired and was going to pull into a hotel and stay the night. that was fine by me. i wanted to see him, but i didn't want him to die, so i agreed. he said he'd call me back when he woke up from a nap. about seven, he called me, told me he loved me, and was going back to sleep. he'd call back in the morning when he left. the next morning, i texted him at 10 and he told me that he was getting ready to leave. that should have but him at my house no later than 3, depending on the traffic.

three o'clock came and i hadn't heard from him. i was freaking out. i called his cell and his brother answered... his brother was in new york and said phillip was around town. i never heard from him again. i tried calling him, left him a coupe messages, but that's it. that was how me and phillip ended.

it wasn't a true ending, but i was heart-broken. i hadn't forced him to move. i wanted him to make sure that it had been what he had wanted and he had said that it was.

it's been about a year ago when we had started to plan his arrival... why am i thinking about him? why do i keep thinking about phillip? i shouldn't. he broke my fucking heart into thousands of pieces, so why do i wonder about how my life could be currently had he actually shown up?

just curious, has anyone else ever felt this way? i need to know that i'm not going insane for being curious about how differnet my life could currently be....

hmm, that's a good song. i love me some egypt central. if you guys haven't heard of them, i suggest you go look them up or something. that song and "you make me sick". yeah, those songs are awesome. most definately. thank you launchcast for introducing me to egypt central.

alright well anyways... in case you guys haven't noticed, my goal is to write a new journal entry of some sort of substance everyday. i will do my best to make sure that i have something everyday, unless it's those couple of days when i go home, but i might be able to upload a post via my cell phone, but we'll find out when that comes.

so today was a pretty damn boring day. it was my day off from work and i had nothing to do. so you know what i did? i called my dad and asked him if he wanted to go see Iron Man with me. of course he did. my dad grew up on marvel and dc comics his whole life. i had heard him mentioning how much he wanted to see it, so i figured i'd at least invite him. so i drove from my apartment to his house, which is like fourty-five minutes, and we went to the fort henry mall to see this movie. to be honest, i didn't know what to expect, i just hoped that it would be good. and it was. this movie was awesome, no if's, and's, or but's about it. and if you want the stamp of approval from a comic book junkie, my dad loved it too. he loved how lose to the actual plotline it stayed, unlike some comic books turned movies. and the suit looked pretty freaking awesome. i want one! ha ha. yeah, i'm a dork. so freaking sue me =P

mkay, now for the interesting part of my story. =)

so i drop my dad back off after the movies and i start to head home. well, most of my trip home is on interstate 26 west. as soon as i turn onto the interstate, these rocker/scene boys with their tattoos and piercings pulls onto the interstate right behind me and they're like following me for a while. when i pull into the other lane, they pass me and holler over at me. it made me laugh. well, not long after, i ended up having to get behind them and we stayed this way until i got off at the state of franklin exit, since i had to stop by work right quick. when i turned off the interstate, they honked and waved bye to me. it was pretty cool, i must admit. i do believe that is the first time that's ever happened to me. shame i probably won't see them again, but still. it made my day a bit more interesting.

oh! you guys know how i mentioned that i ended up with a 3.8 GPA? well... apparently i made an A- in history which dropped me down to a 3.74. grrr at history! but yeahhh, now you guys know that i didn't actually make a 3.8, but i still made dean's list, so that's pretty spiffy. now the hard part is to keep my grades up. i know that i've been talked into joining a social sorority (alpha xi delta) in the fall, but i want to get invited to join an academic one too. i just think that would be spiffy to the max, don't you?

man, i'm such a dork and a loser, but that's okay... you guys still love me, right?

- khrysthene

well, i probably shouldn't be asking that question because everytime it's asked, something worse just tends to happen. that's just the way the world loves to fuck with you, but whatever. i think i can take my chances with the world because today was pretty shitty, all in all.

so, back in february, as soon as i started to work at bojangles, i met this girl named renee merriman. turns out we lived in the same dorm, she as just on the third floor and i was on the fourth. we clicked pretty much right away, which is strange for the both of us, since we usually tend to attract guy friends more than girls. ever since spring break, when we really got to hang out and get ourselves into an... interesting (?) situation, we pretty much became joined at the hip. at work, they refused to let us work together, things had gotten so close between us. well, after school let out, neither of us had a place to really live, after being kicked out of our dorm, so we got an apartment together, though i've been the only one to really pay anything on it so far, but there are reasons behind this.

well today, renee got shipped out to basic training. she's in the army reserves. do you know how sad i was this morning? i didn't cry because i didn't want to make her cry beause she still ad to say goodbye to her boyfriend of three years. i didn't take her to the recruiting office, he did. she's going to knoxville tonight for meps, which is like this pre-basic army thing. tomorrow, she leaves for fort jackson, south carolina. the nickname for this base is "active jackson". doesn't sound too great, does it?

so now renee is gone for like... two and a half months... it's sad. her graduation from basic will be on july 23rd and i really hope that i'll be able to make it down for that. you have no idea how much i'll want to go. after being joined at the hip for like three months and then some, it will be strange to be apart for ten weeks. i'm not going to lie. i just hope that she doesn't stress too much, since she is prone to stress fractures in her feet. (and for those hat haven't had any yet, they're very common in girls since we stress alot and they hurt like hell)

that was this morning.

after renee left the house, i went to walmart because i was going to apply at the portrait studio there to get out of bojangles because i hate it there. well, i take the application down there and i was somewhat dressy, wanting to make a good frst impression and i hand the lady my application. she looks over it and was like "do you have a number for disney?" uhmm... no? the last time i was there was may 20, 2007. i've been gone for almost a year now! and i worked in many different places! i don't know what number to give these people! so yeah, i had to come back home and i didn't have enough time to run back to walmart and have an interview before i started work at one. i was pissed.

so i make it to work and everything's going rather smooth, a bit slow, but no biggie. plus, ray was the manager. ray is like the easiest manager ever since he's new and all and doesn't know what the hell he's doing. to help out michele who is on drive-thru, i go to pack an order for her and i take it over to her, put in the napkins and staple on the receipt to the bag.

"did you put the extra gravy in the bag?" she asked me.... i looked at the ticket. it said NOTHING about a gravy. i asked her if she meant green bean, because that was on the ticket and there was one of those in the bag and she got the worst attitude with me. "i didn't say gravy! green bean! green bean! does that sound like gravy?" she looked at the receipt and ray comes over and she was like "is the extra green bean in there?" he told her it was and she handed the order out. ray then asks what the fuss was about and she said "i guess khrysthene doesn't understand how to listen." i really wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but knowing that if i did, i would probably get fired, i held my tongue. she then comes over to me and was getting on my case about the green bean/gravy incident and i just fucking told her off. ray pulled me aside and told me to calm down and go on break. i was LIVID! i freaking hate that girl. someone want to run her off the road one of these days when she's walking home or to work? she's the really ugly girl who's blind in one eye and wears a hoodie in the summer. it's purple and as eeyore on it, you can't miss her.

blegh... i shouldn't say that... that's mean, but sad thing is... hardly anyone would really care. and that's just being honest...

today has sucked... royally... is it over yet?

- khrysthene

ohkay... so this is going to be a bit of a rant, but i need to get this out or i will explode. don't feel like you need to read this. if you don't want to, it's all gravy by me. but if you do read it and don't agree with me, please don't bite off my head, but i'd like to know what you think to. oh and ps: it's on a kind of a touchy subject so t'cha....

here goes nothing:

cutting...

why the FUCK is it so damn popular? why, when things go wrong for people, the threaten to start cutting themselves? why does this attract so many new teens and younger kids every DAMN DAY?

before you think i'm talking about something i don't understand, i'll admit that i use to cut, but this was back before the whole world seemed to be doing it. i cut because i knew that i could place these cuts in places where no one would ever see when i was out and about. i cut because i knew that there was no one that i could talk to about what i was going through that would understand me.

for those of you that don't know, my father has a thyroid problem. this is pretty much just a chemical imbalance in his brain. this will make him take any money that has been saved and he will run away, most likely to disney. don't ask me why, but he just does. because of this, my mom divorced him and he moved to tennessee while we stayed in georgia. i am the biggest daddy's girl you'll ever meet. my dad is my best friend and i tell him every fucking thing, except for this. he still doesn't know. it was hard for me to deal with the feeling that i had lost my dad, feeling my mom's (and her side of the family's) hatred towards him. i was only fourteen at the time. i didn't know what else to do. and then again when i was damn near engaged to this guy who just never showed up and fell of the face of the planet.

but today? "oh, my mom won't let me do something that i really want to do! i might as well go cut myself!" HELLO! you are not the only person that has problems with your mother about not getting to do something that you want. cutting is NOT the fucking answer!

what people don't know that have never done it before is that it really is very much addictive. you may say that you're only going to do it once, but then you need to do it more often until if becomes the only way to make yourself feel real and alive. it's a hard way to live, it really is. trying to do it in private so no one will know. that's how real cutters do it. not like these "i'm emo so i'm going to cut my wrists and show everyone how hardcore i am" kids. it's because of those people that give us classified "emo kids" a bad name. not everyone who listens to "emo" (which really is short for emotional) music is a cutter. get the fuck over it! if you cut, you're sure as hell not going to go around to show everyone your personal pain. it's for you and you alone to remind yourself of what happened and how you fixed the problem.

not only does this shit scar you for the rest of your life, but if you mess up, make the tiniest slip, you could fucking KILL yourself! i'm sorry, but hello! that's seriously not what you were planning on in the first place! it's never happened to me, but this girl who is damn near like my little sister cut a bit too deep a couple months back and i was scared to death! because of it, she was put in one of those institution things for a week and word got out to everyone in her school. she had to have stitches to stop the bleeding and was put on a suicide watch because she made a mistake. she almost fucking DIED!

i'm really not just trying to be a bitch about all this, but this is probably one of my more touchy topics. i get so fucking mad at my friends when they say that they're going to cut themselves that i'll stop talking to them. if you are a cutter, then i am dreadfully sorry and i will lend you all my support that i can possibly give. if you are a wanna-be-cutter, then just shut the fuck up. you honestly don't know what you're talking about or else you would have already done it by now and not just threatened to do it.

i'm sorry. i just had to get that out after my friend mentioning it to me. and if i sounded like a bitch, i'm sorry, that's not how i meant to sound, it's really not...

- khrysthene

hey everyone! so yeah, this is my new account (curiouskhrys was the old one). for those of you wondering why i made a new account, my old one was being really stupid and a pain in the butt and i just said "screw you!" though, sorry it took me so long to get around to making a new one, but i've been busy and killer stressed as of late.

my first semester of college ended like a week ago. luckily for me, i didn't do too badly, ending with like a 3.8 GPA or something like that. yeah, i was happy. but the thing was, with the semester ending, i had to find a place to live. so my bestie and i had to go apartment hunting. do you know how stressful that can be? and when you bestie doesn't have any money currently because she's never worked at work? that leaves everythingon your shoulders for now, until your bestie gets back from basic training and gets super amazing pay. so i've been stressed about money because in the past week or so, i've had to dish out over one thousand dollars, money i didn't have to begin with! true, my parents don't mind helping me out as much as they can, but i HATE asking for money and help. i'm much too independent. though starting in june, i'll be perfectly fine. may just SUCKS!

work hs been alright, i just hate the job. i love the people i work with (sans jessica the bitch manager from HELL), but i've already paid my debt to fast food when i worked at disney. i shouldn't have to stay with food the rest of my life, or so it feels. i've been looking for another job, but it's not working out so well just yet. but then again, i'd feel bad if i left bojangles because everyone is leaving. i'm the last college kid working there when we had... six, i want to say. yeah, i'm getting fourty hours a week, but at $6 an hour? that's not enough to put up with some of the bullshit i have to deal with...

but, the good thing that's come out of all this was that i finally got my license! yes, i know. i'm nineteen. i should have gotten it a couple years back, but i couldn't, sadly. so i finally got that and my dad gave me his car.... his car is a 1991 chysler fifth avenue new yorker. do you know how large those things are? i mean SERIOUSLY! but i've gotten pretty use to it in like three days =) but friday, i freaked... we were going to the mall and the car just STOPPED working. i swear i hadn't done ANYTHING to it to mess it up! i freaked! i got it off the road as quick as possible. of course a hole would randomly appear in th tube that brings the gas to the engine on the second day of me having the car! =/ apparently, it was just one of those things that wear down over time.

but yeah... that's everything that's been going on with me lately. a lot of stess and worry, but hopefully all that will chill out here soon, or so i can hope!

sooo, how's everyone else doing? anyone feel lik ranting? i'll listen (er... well, read) since you listened (... read?) this!

mucho loves!
- khrysthene